Tag Archives: Visitation

Will All The Real Fathers Please Stand Up?


What do you say to a child who has gotten their hopes up time and time again only to be let down? What do you feel, as a mother, when you know that hurt is an inevitable part of life and you see your baby hurting in ways that a child never should know? How do you explain that dad is not coming to get them, once again, because he had something “more important” come up?

20130505-lifeclass-fatherless-sons-quotes-1-600x411This is my reality.

This is what I stay up at night wondering about.

This is my children’s reality.

This is what I witnessed, for the umpteenth time, over this past weekend.

This is a true story that has no happy ending.

We waited for over an hour and he did not show up. No call. No email. No text. Nothing. Six o’clock came and went. Seven o’clock came and went. Finally, at 7:11pm, to be exact, the phone rings. It’s him. My oldest daughter answers the phone. We are still waiting in the vehicle at the exchange spot for him to come. He asks what the kids are doing, to which my daughter responds, “We are still waiting for you.” A moment of silence before he asks who are you all with… “Mom.” I guess he feels ashamed or does not even care because he just says, “Okay. I will call you all tomorrow morning.”  fathershurt

No apologies.

No acknowledgement of fault.

No reassurance that he still cares for them.

No nothing.

Tomorrow morning comes. Tomorrow morning goes. No phone call from their dad. Finally, at 3:14pm a text message is received. It reads, What r u doing? To which one of my children respond. The next text, from him, comes a few moments after he receives the text from the children. It reads, I cannot talk to you about adult stuff. Tell your mom to give me a call today or tomorrow. That’s it. He’s gone. No phone call, as he said he would do the day prior. No more texts for the rest of the day or the rest of the weekend.

Now, ihavingkidst’s Tuesday.

No communications received from him at all since Saturday.

How do you live with yourself? is what I begin to wonder.

Many of you already know how it breaks my heart to see my children cry or suffer, in any way, and to know that there is really nothing that I can do to change their reality. Many of you also know how much I truly wish that there was some way for me to erase the past and start again with a clean slate; a blank canvas.

This is not possible.

This is reality.

This is our reality.

I cannot control the actions of my ex-husband but I can control my actions in (and beyond) their presence. I always find myself feeling like there must be something more that I can do to shield my children and guard their hearts from this unnecessary, externally inflicted pain.goodfathers

But what?

Do you know?

Does anyone know?

If someone does, please reveal this long lost secret to me because I cannot begin to fathom how someone who claims to love their children – their seed, bone of their bone and flesh of their flesh – can truly be so destructive in their behavior and actions toward those same children. Not to mention how they can destroy what little relationship, and trust, that they may have built.

Where trust once existed, is now a field of distrust.

Where certainty, now only doubt clouds those skies.

It’s mind-Father-to-the-fatherless1blowing to me how some men can father children only to leave them when the marriage or relationship fails. This is not adult behavior and it is not mature behavior, in the least. Why do we have so many men who want to play house but choose to skip out on their responsibilities and are nowhere to be found when the real “storms” come? Who said that it was acceptable for them to leave families shattered, homes fractured and hearts broken?

Enough is enough!

This will no longer be our reality.

Sometimes, I wonder what it will be like when my children become adults. How will they be with their own children and spouses? Will this affect their lives beyond what I can see right now? Lord, I sure hope that it will make them closer to You. I hope that this pain will reveal strengths to them that they did not even know that they had. I hope that through all of this, my children will learn to let their yes be yes and their no be no. When they are grown, successful and living out their purpose on this Earth, for all to see, I pray that they will not shun their biological father. If they do, I pgodslovebookray that he will understand and se
e how all of this time that he is missing contributed to their cold hearts toward him. I pray that at that time he will acknowledge his failures, apologize for his lack of affection and consider this misuse of his time. Above all, I pray that my children will understand and walk in forgiveness – to know it for themselves, to show it to others and to freely and graciously give it to their dad someday.



This will now be our reality.



So, yesterday, I went to court, for the umpteenth time and I must say, I learn a little bit more every time I am there. Anyway, I was summoned to court about a month ago, by my ex, and this time it was because of him claiming that he wants to have visitation with the children, after not seeing them for almost 2 years. In the documents that his lawyer drew up and sent over to my lawyer, it stated that I had been denying him adequate time with the children.

I’ll tell you what’s wrong with that. First of all, visitation was granted and I was okay with this (even with the abusive and neglectful history that he has with not only myself, but also with the kids). Secondly, he chose not to take advantage of this and tried everything in his power to make it so that I not only had to ensure that I never denied him visitation but also that I would be responsible for paying for his transportation or “at the very least” meeting him half way to drop them off. Oh, the nerve!!!

What more does he possibly want from me? It makes me leery of his motives especially when he claims that it is too much for him to drive out to DeKalb to pick up the children, every other weekend, however, it is obviously not too much for him since the court, that we have to go to, is about 15 minutes past where I live, and he manages to find his way out there to attend every single court hearing – and that is many times two or three times per month.

I believe that I am being more than lenient and understanding of his situation and his life and I do not ask him to do anything more than I believe is reasonable and feasible for him to do. However, I have been doing everything, by myself, for over 2 years now (longer than that if you count doing things by myself and making decisions concerning the children, even during the marriage) and I have tried not to complain about anything (not even child support, which he has still not paid to this day but somehow that continues to be overlooked by him). When is enough, enough? Seriously!

What do you all think? What are some ways that you would keep your cool about something like this? For the life of me, I am trying but I don’t know what else to do or how else to feel about continuing to be brought to court for things that have already been “decided”. I am human and I am flawed and I need a Savior just like everyone else but I am also a single mother who has been doing the best that I can with what I have.

What would you do? How would you proceed in this situation? Join the conversation. I would love to hear your stories of survival and triumph and, also, how you (or someone you know) made it through the tough times – and things similar to what I am presently dealing with.

>>> This blog is not meant to be just about me. It is meant to be a dialogue, not a monologue. I would love it if you all got involved and shared your hearts and your stories with me. It’s only in this way that this will speak into the lives of people like I so desire it to. Join me in changing the mentality of a generation and generations to come. You never know who may be reading and how their entire world can possibly be changed because of a simple answer or a spoken word. As always, feel free to like, share, comment and be sure to follow me on Twitter and Like me on Facebook! Until next time family! 🙂 <<<